Book Review: “Unconditional Parenting” by Alfie Kohn. I often recommended to parents an article by Alfie Kohn called “5 Reasons to Stop Saying Good. Unconditional Parenting has ratings and reviews. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by. 54 quotes from Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason: ‘Even before i had children, I knew that being a parent w.

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Few of us would think of berating another adult in the tone that is routinely used with kids. While rewards and punishments may get the short term reactions we are looking for, there is a lot of research and evidence suggesting that this parenting style ultimately damages and holds children back.

Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments including kobnrewards including positive reinforcementand other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook.

Yes, most academics would agree that a purely behavioral approach to any endeavor lacks long-term effectiveness in humans. Zapchen – with Julie Henderson In this way, rewards and parenring usually promote opposite skills and qualities from the intended effects.

This book did have some good points but you have to skip to the end.

I listen to them when they give reasons parentibg why they didn’t hand in their homework, but I make it clear that I expect their behavior to change anyway. Did they have a choice but to go down once they got on?

It was a pain to do and just did not work for us. The Impact of Gratitude It’s not “delight” all the time, and you can’t always pay attention to them — certainly not as much as they want. You don’t pretend she isn’t there; you make it clear that you hear, you notice, you care. Unconditional Parenting with Alfie Kohn.

Rather it means working together, showing your child compassion and understanding, and emphasizing communication over lectures yes, communication works even with very young children.


My criticism of this — saying that we should avoid all these “doing to” reactions that imply conditionality — is that it’s not possible.

What if God gave us a “time out” everytime we yelled at our kids? After watching the DVD, I initially felt great guilt at the terrible parent I am, and frustration at having nothing to do in place of what I have been doing. Pleasure is the Measure: It sets a good example and shows that you can acknowledge a mistake or take responsibility for something that was wrong without “losing face or feeling hopelessly inadequate.

I don’t hide my annoyance when they refuse to stop repeating a phrase over and over, causing my brain to burn in my skull, because that kind of behavior will get them fired from whatever job or friendship or endeavor they take on at any stage of their lives.

On the contrary, my willingness to deliver a reality check will eventually be seen as an act of love in itself, if it isn’t seen that way already. Remember to see things from the child’s perspective The thing I liked most was that it really helped you to think through parenting assumptions, many of them handed to you by pop culture, and whether the conclusions of that thinking through are what you as a parent actually want for your kids.

In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking “What do kids need — and how can we meet those needs? Talk less, ask more!! He goes to say how parenting based on conditions either giving praise or criticism leads kids away from learning on their own terms, being excited about exploration, and thinking about how their interactions affect people other than themselves.

Conditional love means that parents withdraw affection or community through punishments, or communicate that love is something earned through the use of rewards.

Unconditional Parenting Quotes by Alfie Kohn

And this book is no exception. Who is Holding You Back? Don’t be afraid to open your mind to something revolutionary!! Sep 26, Ali rated it liked it. Dude, I understand where you’re coming from, but you’re wrong: Pay as much attention to them as you can regardless of mood or circumstance.


Some people are turned off by his unconditipnal passion and strong opinions on this subject, but I find that it’s nice to have someone believe strongly in their well-researched approach to parenting, when that approach is actually kind and respectful toward children.

Does your need to feel special keep you from connecting?

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

Sometimes the assumption that kids are testing us even becomes a rationalization for punishing them. View all 4 comments. Let them know you’re delighted to be with them, that you care about them no matter what happens. Kohn is not idealistic- he humorously includes stories of raising his own two children and unconditionsl us that the most important things a parent can convey are a sense of kindness, respect and caring attention.

The child is neither quiet nor attentive, getting louder and more playful right when they should be getting more quiet and relaxed.

10 Principles of Unconditional Parenting

Hopefully you can build a close relationship with your children in which they will be able to trust you and come to you with their problems.

Good use of gravity! allfie

Second, the dangers are just as great if, when they do succeed, we lavish positive reinforcement on them in such a way as to suggest that our love parentiing based on what they’ve done, not on who they are. In general I guess I have a problem with things, people, views, methods that alfif either too extremist or too generalizing, or both. We are so worried about spoiling kids that we often end up overcontrolling them.

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